Wicked Weekend Part Two

May Gets Gassed!

Previously on The Misadventures of May Dupp – Wicked Weekend Part One.

It was a good time for the firemen to show up, because I was definitely feeling hot hot hot. I’m not sure what the female version of testosterone is, but if it exists it was coursing through my veins, either that or my blood pressure was through the roof.

Onda, on seeing the starstruck look on my face had finally followed my gaze and was draped over the table practically drooling. Even Billy and Seamus had a look of awe about them.

No one seemed to know what event had brought the firemen to the Wicky Digit in the first place. Onda convinced they were strip-a-grams was at this point sidling across the bar clapping and shouting ‘off off off’. Knuckles was coming at them from a different angle, balling his fists and shouting ‘out out out’, clearly not amused that the object of his affection was diverting her attention elsewhere.

Knuckles: What are you boys here for?

Hot Fireman: We’ve had a report of a gas leak.

Knuckles: Well that’s kinda funny considering we don’t have any gas.

Hot Fireman: The smell is coming from the rear of the building.

Knuckles: That’s the toilet area. How do you know it’s gas?

Hot Fireman: A passerby reported an eggy smell coming through the open window. That could mean you have a leak.

Knuckles: But I just told you, we don’t have any gas.

It was at this point that old Joe at the bar started laughing so hard we all thought he was going to have a fit. Everyone turned their gaze in his direction waiting for him to calm down enough to be able to tell us exactly what it was that was so amusing.

Joe: That’s……no…..ahahaha…….gas leak.

Stepping forward to catch Joe just as he was about to pitch off his bar stool onto the floor Knuckles enquired what he was on about.

Joe: That’s probably Bert…..oh my sides.

Knuckles: Flat cap Bert?

Joe: The very same.

Knuckles: So yer telling me flat cap Bert is in the toilets sniffing gas?

Joe: No you dopey sod………

Joe again burst into a fit of laughing, that turned into wheezing, that turned into a fit of coughing. Too many years on the roll ups had rendered him incapable of continuing with his story.

Unsure what was going on and scared of missing something, the remaining patrons in the bar headed single file towards to toilet block. As we rounded the corner the smell hit us like a tidal wave and there was a collective “eughhh” from the gathering.

Knuckles being the first in line, basically because everyone had pushed him forward, turned to Onda who was next in line and told her to ask Sandy the bar man to turn on the toilet extractor fans. Onda, being inquisitive by nature asked why they had not already been on, and Knuckles informed her it was due to a possible fault with wiring, but to be sure not to let the firemen know that particular nugget of information.

Onda quite willingly I believe, left her place of second in line and headed towards the bar. A heated muffling could be heard and then she retraced her steps back towards Knuckles.

Knuckles: What did he say?

Onda: He’s not a bit happy about it, he asked if you knew what you were doing.

Knuckles: And how did you answer that one?

Onda: I said usually you haven’t a fecking clue but at the minute no one else has any other bright ideas.

Knuckles: Geez, thanks very much.

Onda: He also said on your own head be it. What the heck does he mean by that?

Suddenly out of nowhere came a noise like someone hacking at metal with a chainsaw. A few fizzes, bangs and pops were heard and next thing the we know, the Wicky Digit has been plunged into darkness.

Flat Cap Bert: What the f*ck is going on out there, what have you buggers done?

Knuckles: Keep calm Bert, the fire brigade are here, they think there might be a gas leak in the bathroom.

Flat Cap Bert: There’s a gas leak all right, my Beryl gave me duck eggs for breakfast this morning and I’d done nothing but fart ever since. You can tell your firemen there’s no danger, the only gas leaking in here is from my backside.

Everyone started to laugh, even the firemen, onto one of whom Onda was hanging for dear life citing a sudden fear of the dark.

Flat Cap Bert: I’ll be out in a jiffy, only some feckers turned the lights out so I’m going to have to light a match to see where the door is.

At this point everything seemed to go in slow motion as one of the Firemen started a run up to the toilet door, he was trying to shout something, but owing to the previously mentioned fact of the cinematic slow motion he was unable to finish his sentence. He had just spoken the words “tell him not to light a”………when there was a loud bang from the toilets……”match”.

Everything went silent, even Joe had stopped laughing. You could have heard a pin drop. No one wanted to be the first to enter the toilets to enquire after Berts wellbeing. Just as the merits of playing Rock, Paper, Scissors was being debated, the sound of shuffling footsteps could be heard approaching.

Knuckles: Bert, is that you?

Flat Cap Bert: Aye.

At that moment Bert rounded the corner, looking a little worse for wear. His normally dapper appearance had changed to disheveled and his hair was smoking and standing on end, clearly visible through the tattered remains of his flat cap. in fact he looked like he was going to break down and cry at any minute.

Knuckles: You ok Bert?

Flat Cap Bert: You know, the Mrs only gave me them eggs in an attempt to clear up  me constipation, well it worked, cos I’ve just scared the shite clean outta myself.

All we could do was laugh.

The only drink taken in the pub that night was cups of tea, but the craic was mighty. Even Bert was laughing in the end, and we even had a whip round to get him a new cap.

Tagged: , , , , , ,

7 thoughts on “Wicked Weekend Part Two

  1. 1jaded1 17/06/2014 at 04:02 Reply

    Hahahahahaha. Lighting a match was classic and I’m glad Bert wasn’t hurt, or anyone else!

    • The Indecisive Eejit 18/06/2014 at 09:18 Reply

      Lol it can never hurt to highlight the dangers of matches and methane right :-)

  2. The Indecisive Eejit 17/06/2014 at 07:49 Reply

    Reblogged this on The Indecisive Eejit and commented:
    The second installment……

  3. Rob's Surf Report 19/06/2014 at 18:38 Reply

    Now that’s an explosive ending!

    • May Dupp 25/06/2014 at 22:15 Reply

      Oh yes! Nothing like a good bang :/ LOL

  4. technophile9 23/06/2014 at 16:46 Reply

    I should have guessed that fart joke! :D

    • May Dupp 25/06/2014 at 22:16 Reply

      You should indeed, it’s a classic, just like me ;)

Discuss something with Duppers!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 56 other followers

%d bloggers like this: